A feeling of unreality

27 07 2007

      We’re on vacation in Camden, hanging with my in-laws.  I like their house.  I never feel like I have to clean something up if I don’t want to.  I rather enjoyed going out in her garage and tackling her spider-ridden wash area, but if I want to leave my shoes in the living room or walk over the toys in the hallway, I can.  I don’t have to make my bed.  No one freaks out if the breakfast dishes hang out on the table for a while.
      It’s a very relaxed feeling.  I like it.  I can clean when I want to, and the rest of the time I can read and eat Oreos.
      But about four days into my lovely vacation, Neal called me up and asked, “Are you sitting down?”  Now, in my experience, when people ask that they don’t really mean it, so I didn’t sit down.  But I should have.  About thirty seconds later I fell down on the carpet.
      My side of the conversation went something like this:  “What?  They fired you?  I knew your boss didn’t like you, and I wondered if something like this would happen…  oh, they fired the whole department?  Are they committing suicide over there?  You can’t fire your entire IT department!”
      Not only did they fire him, they packed up his desk, confiscated his laptop without giving him time to remove any of his files, handed him a severance check, and threw him out the door.  He lost all his writings, all his scout files…
      I’m swimming in this feeling of unreality.  Surely this can’t be happening.  Sometimes I even forget about it.  I woke up this morning thinking, “So… what are we doing today?”  Then I remembered.  It was like a punch in the stomach.
      I guess I won’t be teaching a novel-writing class.  Brenna won’t be taking dance.  I may or may not find out what happens to Eric’s novel.  I guess if I teach 2xtreme, it won’t be for very long.  I’ve been praying for Jason Osborne for so long… will I see him healed?  Can I finish the C.H.E.W. yearbook?  Will our house sell?
       Where will we be living in three months?
       This is the only church I’ve ever known.  How on earth will we ever find another one?  I’ve grown up here.  These people are my family… my heart is torn and bleeding.  There are so many things I’ll be leaving unfinished, so many promises now we’ll never see fulfilled.
      My son and daughter sobbed for nearly an hour.  For Brenna, this is the only town she remembers.  Her best friend Hannah has been like a sister to her.  How will we leave Greg?  What will I do without Lisa?  I’m stunned.  I’m reeling.
      We haven’t even finished the bathroom yet!  How can you sell a house without a toilet, sink, or real floor in one of the bathrooms?  The sewage connection is nowhere near ready.  There’s drainage problems under the house, and some wierd fungus eating the floor joists.  If we can sell this house, it will be an honest-to-God miracle.
      I am trying not to be afraid.  Please, God, don’t separate me from my husband.  I’m no good without him.  He pushes up my courage, bolsters my confidence, soothes my fears, holds me when I cry, absorbs my stress…  I’ve lived without him before, but it’s not a pretty thing.  It’s his strong arms that push back the world and make a small space for me to grow and develop.  I need him!
      It wasn’t totally unexpected.  We had words from the Lord, a dream, some hints that perhaps we wouldn’t be in Wilmington much longer.  By much longer, we thought, “Not more than a year or two.”  How could we know it would be, “Not more than a month or two?” 
      We are sewn into so many places in this community.  How will we ever tear ourselves out?  I suppose it’s an illusion that we’re important.  I guess Winston Sirjue will garden without us, the homeschool co-op will teach without us, the scouts will camp without us.  Someone else will teach, someone else will lead, someone else will paint, someone else will write for Leslie…
      Oh, God… the tears are falling on my keyboard.  I know you have plans for us, plans to give us a purpose and a hope.  I know that you saw this day coming months or years ago, and that what you have in store for us will be good.  I know you have promised to provide for our every need, and you have never failed us yet.  I just feel like we’ll be leaving so many things unfinished…
      I promise sometime soon I will look up and begin seeing the possibilities of a new life somewhere else, but right now, I just feel like some old piece of furniture that no one wants put out on the curb in a yard sale.




2 responses

27 07 2007


When Neil and I spoke yesterday I immediately started praying for you and your family. Not just that he would find a new job quickly, but that you would be assured that your gifts and your dreams are not going to be left unfinished. I told Neil that I was excited to find out just what God had in store for you through this…because we all know He was not startled by the news. I am praying that the desires of your heart…the ones that seem so impossible right now…will come and sweep you off your feet in a moment. This family that God has placed you in is for such a time as this…let us support you and pray for you and reply to all of your frustrated blog posts to bring whatever perspective we can.

We love you… PA

27 07 2007
Bryan McGee

God does have a plan and a purpose for you. He has not been caught off guard and His plans have not been derailed by this. You have been faithful and He sees it and will honor your diligence.

Hang on and don’t lose heart. God’s got you. He knows the desires of your heart.

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